He's so big, it's so hot
Before I get into this top 5 I just want to bitch about the quality of commercials these days. There was a time in my life when I wanted to go into marketing, and right now I don't know if I would have just dominated the game or killed myself. Seriously there are some awful commercials running that should have gotten no farther then being spoken in an brainstorming meeting. Mr. Sub is probably the worst, I don't think they've had a good commercial in their history. But have you seen Pepsi lately?? First they had the Jimmy Fallon one which sucked, but that one never really had a chance. Then they do pretty much the same thing but they switched Fallon for Eva Longoria and switched the woman in the first commercial with rain in the second one. Its still just bad. What are the people at Pepsi drinking? Yeah, I know I just set you up with the greatest Pepsi-bashing line ever. Try to contain yourself, you're missing the point. They've got Eva Longoria, and its raining and they still can't pull a good commercial out of it. Rediculous.

Enough about shitty preformances though, on to some great ones. The Top 5 Christopher Walken preformances. Remember to say the accompanying lines in your best Walken voice.

5. Batman Returns
"Bottom line, she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry."

4. Saturday Night Live
"I gotta have more cowbell, baby!"

3. Suicide Kings
"Guys, if I don't bleed to death pretty soon, I'm gonna die of boredom."

2. Doe Dirt
"You're talking to me all wrong. It's the wrong tone. Do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? *SMACK* Get her to sew that!"

1. Poolhall Junkies
"You watch those nature documentaries on the cable? You see the one about lions? You got this lion. He's the king of the jungle, huge mane out to here. He's laying under a tree, in the middle of Africa. He's so big, it's so hot. He doesn't want to move. Now the little lions come, they start messing with him. Biting his tail, biting his ears. He doesn't do anything. The lioness, she starts messing with him. Coming over, making trouble. Still nothing. Now the other animals, they notice this. They start to move in. The jackals; hyenas. They're barking at him, laughing at him. They nip his toes, and eat the food that's in his domain. They do this, then they get closer and closer, bolder and bolder. Till one day, that lion gets up and tears the shit out of everybody. Runs like the wind, eats everything in his path. Cause every once in a while, the lion has to show the jackals, who he is."

Is there a better movie speech then that one right there? I say there isn't. Someday this week I'm going to put together a march maddness-style bracket to determine the greatest song in the history of the world. You ever notice how much more elaborate these procrastination efforts get the closer exams are?
- posted by Mike @ 12:05 AM