I am not a weather man
So apparently the storm was just suckering me into coming outside so it could soak my ass. I got about 10 paces out the door before it started raining again, and it just got stronger and stronger. I was one soggy motherfucker wandering the grocery store. But I got my chips! So I guess it was worth it.
- posted by Mike @ 8:53 PM 4 comments

 
Shits and Giggles
It's thunderstorming like a mad-man right now, and I've got a movie I want to watch. But I don't want to turn on my TV in case we get a power surge and it blows up, cause I would be a furious little child if my TV went away (not that there is much good television right now). Thats not the only problem though, I also want a bag of chips to eat while I enjoy this movie but there are none to be found in the house (not even any popcorn), and I will be damned if I go outside in this insane storm. If I'm going outside for anything it's going to be to help the crazy bearded dude build his ark. Haha shit, I wish I could remember where I stole that joke from.

Speaking of stealing jokes, did anyone watch Last Comic Standing last night? Overall I give it two thumbs up. But man I hate it when the comics tell jokes that I've heard before. It's way less funny when you know the punchline. I've got a few favorites already though. As long as a couple of them make it into the final grouping in the house I'll be pretty happy.
If you're in the mood for a few giggles you can check out the 100 Funniest Jokes of All-time.

I had a couple other things to ramble about, but the rain appears to be letting up so I'm gonna bust a move over to the chip asile at the local grocery store. Wish me luck!
- posted by Mike @ 6:08 PM 0 comments

 
I'm not dead...
I'm just melting. I'll try to get a half decent post up in here by the end of the week. I wouldn't hold my breath or anything though, thats just dumb.
- posted by Mike @ 10:40 PM 0 comments

 
This is not a post
I'm in Toronto for the weekend. Poker on saturday. Holla if you hear me. Happy May Two Four! Peace out.
- posted by Mike @ 3:54 PM 6 comments

 
Monkey See, Monkey Do?
Okay first of all that's not a very appropriate title. I thought about going with something like "Monkeylocks and the three bears", but thats not much better. Second of all I knew this would happen. Well not this in particular. Be warned however, that link contains a potentially disturbing photo of a bear eating a monkey. But I knew that when I forced out that Top 5 post below that something would come along that I actually felt like talking about instead of a crap post just to fill space. So feel free to skip the post below, but be sure to check out the 10 Things I Hate Abount Comandments video, because thats just funny (no doubt).

Anyway, back to the monkey-eating bears. So there is a zoo in Amsterdam that keeps monkeys and bears in the same enclosure. One thing leads to another and now the zoo has one less monkey and three bears can probably afford to skip their next meal. That link goes to a pretty short MSNBC article, and yet in just a few short words there were many things that amused me:

First four words of the article "Bears killed and devoured...". Could you devour something without killing it? If you could that would be pretty fucking sick. I'm using 'sick' in that case in the literal form, not meaning 'cool' like how the kids say.

They describe it as a "grisly scene". Bears. Grisly. Grizzly Bears! The fact that the story involves sloth bears has no effect on my amusement level.

I knew there were sloths. I knew there were bears. I did not know there were sloth bears. Cool!

There were three bears. Straight out of the fairy tales. This is what happens when the porridge is too cold.

Someone from the zoo was quoted as saying "The habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such a way that one animal almost never kills another...". Almost.

- posted by Mike @ 2:37 PM 0 comments

 
More 5's then Bagwell and Lidstrom combined
So I've ended up with the day off, and in addition to my full schedule of washing socks, playing MVP Baseball and watching House tonight I thought I'd drop a few musically themed Top 5's.

Lets get retarded it started with the Top 5 Remixes (haha haha DJ clue clue!)

5. You're a Mean One - Busta Rhymes and Jim Carrey
"When the Grinch come around you gotta safeguard your things, you betta safeguard your money and safeguard your bling."

4. Whoa! - Black Rob, Rah Digga, Lil' Cease, G-Dep, Da Brat, Beanie Sigel, P. Diddy, Shyne, Petey Pablo and the Madd Rapper.
"LOX left and Mase retired like whoa. So I threw the label on my back like whoa."

3. Made You Look - Jadakiss, Nas and Ludacris
"I'm just a victim of society, it's Cris the menace. With more shit out on the streets then evicted tennents"

2. The Gambler - Kenny Rogers, Wyclef Jean and Pharoae Monch
"You better count your duckets, before you touch the turntable. Cause if you run out of big tunes, that means your sound is done"

1. Special Delivery - Ghostface Killah, G-Dep, Keith Murray and Craig Mack
"'Yo Murray what the deal?'Yeah I'm gutter. What I utter got you timid, hesitating like a stutter."


Moving right along, we're into the Top 5 worst karaoke songs:

5. Iz They Wildin Us & Gettin Rowdy Wit Us? - Busta Rhymes and Mystical
4. One Week - Barenaked Ladies
3. Roxanne - The Police
2. Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n' Roses
1. Black Betty - Ram Jam

Or maybe those would be the best 5 depending how you look at the karaoke experience.
Now lets end this thing before anyone gets hurt with the Top 5 best opening lines in rap:

5. "Aww shit, y'all done fucked up and let me in this bitch."
4. "Okay, I'm going to attempt to drown myself, you can try this at home, you can be just like me."
3. "One, two, three into the four, Snoop Doggy Dog and Dr. Dre is at the door."
2. "Woke up in the morning like 10 AM, walked past the Listerine went straight for the gin."
1. "I got permission to put yo' momma in a headlock."
You had to know that would be #1.
- posted by Mike @ 9:12 AM 0 comments

 
With Samuel L. Jackson as Principal Firebush





On a totally unrelated note, can someone please explain to me the purpose of bathrooms with two separate sinks?
- posted by Mike @ 7:30 PM 2 comments

 
Who wants in?
The following is taken from Bill Simmons' latest article, which you can read in full here:

"Some junkies are ahead of the curve. Take Matthew Berry, who runs "The Talented Mr. Roto" Web site. He belongs to a movie league. Berry and his friends bid on any film that is scheduled to be released over the course of a year, their stats coming in categories like most weeks spent in the top-five grosses, total box office and Oscar nominations. According to Berry, someone spent nearly half his cap ($260) on "The Da Vinci Code" in February. Wow. When he griped to me that one of his big sleepers, "Akeelah and the Bee," opened poorly, I was hooked. Yes, I need to belong to a fantasy movie league, if only so I can spend $45 on "Snakes on a Plane" and taunt someone because he overpaid for Vin Diesel's next movie. This sounds fun. This sounds dangerous, potentially life-threatening. This sounds like something for me."

Motherfucker! Why didn't we think of this first?! So who wants in on a movie pool? We can work out the details once we've got some people interested. I am excited for this shit.
- posted by Mike @ 10:08 PM 1 comments

 
My birthday is in less then 4 months...
Need some hints on what to get the guy who has nothing? It's your one stop shop, and I'm not kidding. If someone gets me that, you're automatic bestman at my wedding and I'll name my first child after you*, regardless of its sex.

I also forgot yesterday about a couple more features the awesome house had. A pool table and a poker room. Yeah, a whole fucking room for nothing but poker. I guess you could have sex parties in there too, but then the sex party room wouldn't get used as much.

*Offer subject to change without notice or reason.
- posted by Mike @ 5:21 PM 0 comments

 
Raise a little hell

I got a summer job (that's good), but it's cleaning windows (that's bad). At least I get to work outside a lot (that's good), but now I'm definitly going to get skin cancer (that's bad).

I cleaned windows in the awesomest home ever today. The actual window cleaning sucked balls, and I don't want to get into right now cause I'm still mad about it. But let me tell you about this house. I'm talking like when I win the lottery I'm going back to this house so I can copy it. Hottub? Check. Monster 6 burner BBQ? Check. Fully stocked bar? Double Check! Huge flat-screen TV mounted above the fireplace? Oh hell yeah. TVs in every other room? Yup. Kick-ass sound system wired throughout the house? You'd better believe it. Humsclade with massive chrome rims? I thought I was in a rap video. Oh yeah, there was a half-pipe in the backyard too, but I didn't really care about it much.

While we were at this house the owner had the sound system cranked, pumping out the oldies which was pretty cool. Go download Mack the Knife by Bobby Darin and Raise a Little Hell by Trooper. Can you listen to either of those songs without tapping your foot or getting a good head-bob going? Of course not, its a natural reaction. Even if you're up on a ladder cleaning 2nd storey windows. Seriously, I almost died today because of Raise a Little Hell and my inability to control my reaction to it.

I tried to remember all the dominant songs that were played so I could add them to my collection tonight, but I only remember a couple now. So hit the comments and leave your favorite old school tunes behind.

Promiscuous Girl has been named 2006's Official Summer Jam. Have you seen this video yet? Holy shit, when did Timbo get so ripped? I know Nelly Furtado is pretty tiny, but damn, she could fit in one of Timbaland's arms, with room left over for Timberlake. Maybe carrying Magoo around for years is the ultimate workout.

- posted by Mike @ 5:32 PM 0 comments

 
Qwik Picks
The highest seed in the 2nd round of the Western Conference playoffs is the 5th ranked San Jose Sharks. Thats rediculous, every single top seeded team got knocked out. I'm gonna make this quick because my battery is going to die and I'm way to busy* to be bothered getting the power cord.

San Jose vs. Edmonton: If you're gonna get knocked out in the first round, you'd better hope it was by the champs. Go Edmonton!

Anaheim vs. Colorado: Looks like a lot of people were wrong about Theodore. I'm taking Colorado in 5.

Ottawa vs. Buffalo: The Sabres can give Ottawa what the Lightning didn't...a challenge. I'm predicting a Buffalo/Edmonton Cup final.

Carolina vs. New Jersey: Cam Ward did what I expected Gerber to do, but the Devils are a lot different than the Canadians. I think Jersey is winning this one and winning it fast.

*I have movies that arn't going to watch themselves
- posted by Mike @ 2:16 PM 3 comments