Why do people make me hate them?
Well I have a new arch-nemisis, this damned girl at work. She is one of the most annoying people I have ever had the displeasure of working with. Her speach and tone of voice are set at just the right level to drive me insane. Plus shes an asshole. So at one point in my last shift shes bitching to me about her computer being broken. What happened was the program we use suspends the order you're working on when the screen saver comes on. So I say just hit any key on the thing and get back to work you clown. She goes back to her station and mutters to herself for a minute or two, then she comes back screaming, actually screaming, that I'm retarded and it doesn't work blah blah blah. I walk over to her station, press enter and say 'THERE!'. Now it takes about 10 seconds from the time the screensaver is turned off for the program to start again. In that ten seconds I get 'ha genius I thought you knew what you were talking about, you retard blah blah blah'. I respond in my best 1920's gangster (not to be confused with gangsta) impersonation "m-yea see, this stuff here ain't gon fly. You're driving me bananas with this business, absolutely bonkers. m-yea, see?" Then she just stared at me, but she didn't talk to me the rest of the shift, so I'm claiming victory.

Then I get word that we're getting off work 10 minutes early (woohoo!) to go to a meeting (crap). The guy leading the meeting looked like a skinny hulk hogan (I kept waiting for him to call us his little hulkamaniacs and rip his shirt off). It turns out that we've got a ton of orders for the next couple weeks and so they want everone to come in and work every day of the long weekend, in return workers will recieve double time and a half, plus a $300 after tax bonus. Sweet! Then the hulkster asks if there are any questions so far, I raise my hand and ask if this great deal is only for contract workers (I'm currently temporary staff), and he says yes. Well fuck that! So I get up to leave cause I want to beat all these other suckers outta the building and make my way home. Hulk stops his speach and asks me where I'm going. 'Home' I say. 'The meeting isn't over yet' he replies. 'I'm not contract staff, so this meeting doesn't concern me'. 'Well it would be nice if you stayed anyway'. 'Yeah, why?' Hogan did not look impressed.

- posted by Mike @ 10:01 AM 3 comments

 
The Word of the Day Is...
Turd-donkey

as in: 'what the fuck are you doing you fucking turd-donkey?!'

I'm too tired for a real post, but I just wanna say that I am the Tiger Woods of golf!
- posted by Mike @ 8:21 AM 2 comments

 
Is hockey back or are you just happy to see me?
Okay this is going to be a post about my thoughts on the returning 'new' NHL, but first....I need to bitch about something. I have no problem with people screening their calls, I hate talking on the phone for longer then 3 minutes so I understand where people are comming from when they do this. Now not everybody has call display so some people rely on their answering machines to screen their calls, alright still nothing wrong with that. There is one person however that drives me insane with their call screening, heres the situation:

1)The phone rings
2)They jump up and run to the call display to see who is calling
3)Then they go to the answering machine to see if the person calling has something important to say
4)If they think the call is worth their time they pick up the phone and cut out the answering machine, or they just let you go on and leave a message

Now I know this is what happens because I have been in this person's house and witnessed it more then a few times. And really none of that so far is what bothers me about the whole thing. What angers me on the same level that psycology angers Tom Cruise is that when you call this person, and you know the machine is going to pick up you have to listen to a 5 minute recording before the damn thing lets you talk!!! It plays this person's favorite song, then they read a poem, and then they read the first 15 chapters of the new Harry Potter book, and after listening to all that crap you finally get to leave a message, only to get halfway through it and have them pick up the phone and say 'oh I was just outside and thought I heard the phone'. Fuck you I know what happened!! You're not fooling anyone! GRRRRrrrrrr.....

Wow, I feel much better. I wonder if Gary Betman and Bob Goodenow have messages like that, it would help explain why it took 301 days to get the NHL back. (damn thats a sexy transition)

This is pretty much just a collection of the thoughts I've had this week since hearing the news that the NHL was set to return. First on the agenda is the Sidney Crosby draft lottery. This is exactly what the NHL needs right now, the biggest prospect since Eric 'ow my head' Lindros and he can end up on any of the 30 teams. GMs and team owners are currently selling their souls left and right to get that number one pick. I even heard the Rangers were offering 3 veteran souls plus a rookie and a soul to be named later. The four teams with the best statistical chance to get Crosby are Columbus, New York (Rangers), Buffalo and Pittsburgh. My thoughts on him going to those four are as follows,

Columbus: Crosby and Nash playing together would be just insanity. Especially if they lock them both up long term.
New York: This is where the NHL whats him to end up, a big time player for a big market city. I know they have one of the best shots at getting him, but if the Rangers win the draft no one will be able to convince me that it wasn't rigged. I hate the Rangers and I hope they miss the playoffs for another 10 straight years.
Buffalo: This is one of the teams that I wouldn't mind seeing Crosby go to, I've never been a Sabres fan, but, they've got a young core and a couple Guelph Storm players in their farm system that should see the big time this season so I'll be rooting for them this year.
Pittsburgh: The Penguins are the definition of a team with a young core (well core indicates stability so maybe its the wrong term), under the new system they should have some money to spend, so if they get Sidney and pick up one or two players that can keep up with him they'll be ok.

The biggest question that I have is what Crosby's presence on a team will do in terms of bringing in free agents. Are guys gonna want to get in on this at the ground floor, or is it going to keep guys away based on ego alone (not that its a bad thing to keep those guys away).

Speaking of free agents....damn there sure are a lot of them, and some prety big names too, then add on the star players that are going to be bought out of thier contracts over the weekend and there is going to be some crazy talent moving around. It'll almost be like a real live fantasy pool...almost.

The two player combos that I'm most interested in watching are Naslund/Bertuzzi in Vancouver and Roberts/Nieuwendyk in Toronto. The Canucks have Bertuzzi under contract but their are rumors that he might want out of Vancouver since 'the incident', and if Naslund isn't resigned or goes somewhere else his buddy Big Todd is expected to follow. I'm sure that the Leafs would like to keep Nieuwendyk and Roberts, but with what they're scheduled to be paid it will make it tough to justify keeping to ageing vets when the Leafs need to make sure they hold on to all their youngsters. Now because Gary and Joe are from this area and arn't expected to want to move very far if they are let go that makes Ottawa and Detroit as two possible destinations. The Red Wings were supposed to sign Nieuwendyk back when he first came to Toronto (says me) and I'd still like to see him wearing the winged wheel, even if only for one season. Especially if Yzerman doesn't retire, seeing two of my all-time favorite players in the same uniform on the same ice surface would be beyond kickass (and playing for Team Canada together doesn't count). Sign me up for the first Detroit Nieuwendyk jersey!

My final thought for today concerns how effective this cap really will be. Yes we know that it will limit crazy spending by the big money teams, but lets look at it for a second. Toronto, Detroit and New York are three of the biggest spending teams out there. They also happen to be three of the original 6 teams, and as a result have larger fan bases then most teams. We've seen in the past players signing with a city because they wanted to play with their hometown/favorite childhood team/etc. so now when I guy wants to play in Detroit for example, and they can only offer him a certain amount of money as determined by the cap its not as though another team can sweep in and make him an offer he can't refuse, based on money alone.

Does that make sense? I dunno if I explained it properly, basically I think if it came down to two teams offering the same amount of money to a player teams like Toronto, Detroit, Montreal and New York will have the advantage. Would you rather make 1.2 million playing for one of those teams or get 1.5 million and play with Nashville? Also the Florida and California teams would also have an advantage based on players wanting to live there. Bottom line, St. Louis is going to suck ass....and I'm looking forward too it.

Remember, keep your stick on the ice.

P.S. I think I just set the record for the longest post on this site so far. So heres a new game
- posted by Mike @ 8:51 PM 1 comments

 
Top 5 Rap Lyrical Performances
I was just gonna put this in the comments on the last post, but then being the resourceful kid that I am decided to turn it into a post all on its own. So heres my top 5 in no particular order, with some sample lyrics:

Hip Hop Quotables Ludacris
"Its the chicken and the beer that makes Luda keep rappin',
but no pork on my fork, I don't even speak pig latin"

"From your car to a crap game, no one rolls with you,
one of Mini Me's shoes has more sole (soul) then you"

"People think I'm bad, they say 'ooh hes so evil',
cause I go on blind dates with actual blind people"


Nail in the Coffin Eminem
"If you're that much of a gangster, put the mic down,
you should be out killing motherfuckers right now"

"If you was really selling coke, well then what the fuck you stop for dummy,
if you slew some crack, you'd make a lot more money then you do from rap"

"So how can he hold me over some balcony, without throwing his lower-back out as soon as he goes to lift me,
please don't you'll probably fall with me, and our asses will both be history,
but then again you'll finally get your wish cause you'll be all over the street like 50 Cent"


Through the Wire Kanye West
"No use in tryin to be lyin, I've been tryin to be signed,
tryin to be a millionaire, how'd I use two lifelines"

"I must got an angel, cause look how death missed his ass,
unbreakable, what you thought they called me Mr. Glass?"

"I drink a boost for breakfast, an ensure for dizzert,
somebody order pancakes, I just sip the sizzurp"


El Dorado Brassmunk
Okay this song doesn't really have any lines that stand out on their own, because the whole song tells a story. You kinda need to hear it to know what I'm talking about...so go aquire it, by whatever method you deem appropriate.


Role Model Eminem
"I get a clean shave, bathe, go to a rave, die from an overdose and dig myself up out of my grave,
my middle finger won't go down, how do I wave? and this is how I'm supposed to teach kids how to behave"

"I'm about as normal as Norman Bates, with deformative traits, a premature birth that was four minutes late,
mother? are you there? I love you, I didn't mean to hit you over the head with that shovel"

"I came to the club drunk with a fake I.D., don't you want to grow up to be just like me?
I been with ten women that got H.I.V., don't you want to grow up to be just like me?"


Okay I can hear you guys already, 'what no Biggie?!? no Pac?!?' thats right I like the rap industry today, when you hear people complaining about how rap music sucks so much compared to the 'old school', I will guarantee that it isn't me you hear. I started listening to this stuff with Black Rob's Woah in '98-'99ish so I have no real background in the 'classics'. For my money the two best lyrical artists out there are Ludacris and Eminem. That being said I suggest you actually listen to those 5 songs, because if you haven't heard them before just reading the lyrics doesn't do them justice.
- posted by Mike @ 6:35 PM 3 comments

 
Oh Those Crazy Rappers
I don't have any funny work stories today, except for making the new guy think that we were all working the job for free as part of our community service. I guess its not really a good story if you can sum it up in under one sentance. What brings me herre today is the song And Then What by Young Jeezy it has one of my new favorite lines...and one of the worst lines ever:

"Patty cake, patty cake, microwave
These suckas make a square, damn I'm paid"

What?! I honestly can't think of a worse line then that right now, I mean there are bad lines and then theres using 'patty cake, patty cake' in a rap ....but don't worry I'll be doing more research.

"Wrapped up in the club, yeah I'm so crazy
These other rappers actin' like Patrick Swayze"

Okay maybe that line isn't as great as I think it is, but I just watched Road House the other day so I find any reference to Patrick Swayze's acting to be funny.
- posted by Mike @ 5:21 PM 1 comments

 
All cats and no rooster??
I should've gotten a job a long time ago just to give me something to write about. So here are the highlights of my last shift:

-Its my third day and I'm already training the new kid...take that! I'm not the new kid anymore, plus I also think I'm the greatest employee in the history of the world.
-I had to stand through a 30 minute discussion between two guys, one of whom had never heard of lesbian porn before, it went something like this:

Guy1: Yeah I got this one DVD and its all chicks
Guy2: What?! Thats crazy talk
Guy1: Seriously its all pussy
Guy2: No cock?
Guy1: Well they've got like rubber ones and shit
Guy2: All pussy and no cock, thats no good
Guy1: You mean you're watching porno for the cock?

except that went on for half an hour

-I couldn't find the mullet CD again so that'll have to wait til next week
-I elbowed a woman in the face for trying to cut past me in the secuity line, she wasn't nearly as impressed as I was
-My pack of gum set of the security scanner and the guards freaked out

Now I gotta do some laundry and pack for the weekend, then hopefully I can find time for some sleep.
- posted by Mike @ 8:29 AM 3 comments

 
Business in the front, party in the back!
Funniest CD I saw today: Music for Men with Mullets

If I'm going to bed now do I say goodnight or goodmorning?
- posted by Mike @ 8:16 AM 4 comments

 
People are stuuuupid
so i'm driving home from filling up my mom's car with gas, and this jeep pulls up with these two guys sitting in the front, acting all badass with their music pumping (yes.. i said pumping). so the one guy gives an evil, ya what you gonna look to me and i'm just like whatever, and just keep on looking around. thats when i notice the song thats being played...
"i don't know what you heard about me
but a bitch can't get a dollar out of me
no cadillac, no perms, you can't see
that i'm a ____________ P-I-M-P"

bwhahahahahahaha, yeah real baddass, an edited version of PIMP. i better not fuck with you guys..... stupid people.
- posted by steve @ 9:47 PM 1 comments

 
Hot Dogs for Breakfast
I started my new job a couple days ago, at least I think it was a couple days ago, its the nightshift so my sleep pattern is mangled beyond belief and I'm not sure what day it is. I'm in a giant warehouse filled to the ceiling with CDs, DVDs, video games, cassettes and records. I get a bunch of orders, pick up the required media products, throw them in a bin and send the bin down a conveyer belt off to who knows where. Its pretty simple, and over the span of a shift I see some rediculous items, such as: The Playboy Christmas album, a CD by Minnie Driver (from Good Will Hunting) and The Music of NASCAR cassette. Oh yes there is some good music out there.


I'm not really functional enough to make this post gramatically correct or well structured, so heres the stuff I mumble to myself during the shift.
-I always thought the night shift was for crazy people, and now I know it is...and I'm turning into one
-Did The Aviator suck? Why did so many copies of it get returned.
-How many seasons of Sex in the City were there, and how many episodes were in a season?? Because the box sets seem quite reasonable in pricing compared to other sets.
-If a store purchases a bunch of DVDs from this place and then can't sell them all why are we taking them back?
-Its so hot in this place that I actually saw a guy melt in front of me. I took a couple water bottles with me and I chug them all night and keep refilling them at the fountains, then the boss is like 'I wouldn't drink that water if I was you, its not filtered' like I care about filtered water at 5am when I'm sweating like I just ran here from Vancouver.
-I'm not sure why I picked Vancouver for that example, it was the first place that jumped into my head

Oh yeah the NHL is set to come back, thats cool. If the Rangers win the draft lottery I'm calling a fix (just warning you in advance). I'll talk more about this later, right now I'm going to have something to eat...smells like hotdogs.
- posted by Mike @ 6:55 PM 4 comments

 
Best Game Ever?
No, but its damn close.
- posted by Mike @ 1:11 PM 9 comments

 
bwhahaha
wow, after tony left the yahoo fantasy pools all those years ago, i thought i'd never get the fun of arguing pointless facts on the internet again. boy was i wrong. enter "the music" messageboard. haha i'm arguing with some kid about how he thinks simple plan is a bigger band then coldplay. hahaha.... damn i love the internet.
- posted by steve @ 12:32 AM 4 comments

 
WooHoo!

Its official, the baseball fans have put basketball and hockey fans to shame with their votes. Well Done!
- posted by Mike @ 9:42 PM 2 comments

 
Is it tomorrow yet?
Big Brother 6 starts tomorrow night at 8pm eastern time! I was checking out the website to see if any of this season's contestants are worth cheering for, and at this point the answer is no. I click my way through the contestant list checking out their bios, and if any of them like stuff that I like I cheer for them, its that simple. One guy likes Rescue Me, Salma Hayek, Reese Peanut Butter Cups and the Patriots, so I guess hes gonna hafta do. Another guy likes Canadian Club, so thats cool, but he mixes it with 7up so hes out. Another guy likes Snatch (the movie), Chappelle's Show, Sean Connery, Eva Longoria, Salma Hayek and Lil' Jon, he should be good right? Wrong. Under favorite outdoor activities he lists "All sports but golf", fuck you pal you're outta here. Then theres the guy that puts "no favorite" for 11 answers....c'mon buddy narrow it down a little. One of the females likes The Usual Suspects, BBQs, The Patriots and Diet Pepsi, that not bad...but diet? boourns. Lastly, theres Michael, he likes the Lord of the Rings, The Simpsons and Beef Jerky. I used to always cheer for guys if we had the same name, but the 'Mikes' always turn out to be assclowns, and going purely on this guys picture I'm willing to say hes no different.
Hows that for judging a book by its cover! Tune in tomorrow to see what happens.

While I was making my way through the CBS website I also noticed ads for a new show comming this fall......Ghost Whisperer. Its about a woman who talks to dead people. I can tell you're super excited right? Okay fine it sounds like it might be the worst new show on the planet...or at least close, but its got Jennifer Love Hewitt and Aisha Tyler in it so I'm watching.....at least 2 episodes. Then I'll probably cut it off.

Almost forgot! Roy Oswalt is leading the voting for the last spot on the National League All-Star team....so unless you want me to bust out another longass baseball post about how much I hate baseball fans get over to mlb.com and vote for Roy! Also I would recomend voting for Scott Podsednik in the AL....fuck Jeter!

I was gonna do a post about Live 8 but then I got lazy, the main point I was going to make was if anyone tries to tell you that their favorite Barenaked Ladies song is anything but If I had a Million Dollars they're lying.

"They have pre-wraped sausages, but they don't have pre-wraped bacon"
"Well can you blame them?"
"Uh, yeah"
- posted by Mike @ 1:48 PM 1 comments

 
Baseball Fans: The Most Knowledgeable?
The All-Star game votes were released today, and I was expecting to be mad because fans almost always vote like idiots. However I was pleasently proven wrong this year, most of the positions were filled with players that I thought should be there. But I'm gonna make a rediculously long post to talk about it anyway, I'll start with the AL:

Catcher: Jason Varitek Boston - The vote wasn't even close, and thats fine, Varitek is a great catcher. This selection gets my approval. (but I'm dissapointed Joe Mauer only finished 7th)

First Base: Mark Teixeria Texas - Another great choice, this guy has been mashing homers all season like a crazy homer-mashing machine.

Second Base: Brian Roberts Baltimore - Beat out Soriano but less than 200,000 votes, both are deserving choices and again I'm in agreement.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez New York - Yeah you knew this one wouldn't be close at all, and its tough to make the argument for anyone else. (but Blaylock 4th, Chavez 6th and Figgins 7th?? I think they shoulda been shown a little more love)

Shortstop: Miguel Tejada Baltimore - Another no brainer. Wow the fans are 5 for 5 so far, this is wild.

Outfield: Manny Ramirez Boston, Vladmir Guerrero Los Angeles and Johnny Damon Boston - They're all having great years so no complaints from me. (Magglio Ordonez was 24th....thats way too high for a guy that just got his first hit a couple days ago)

DH: David Ortiz Boston - no shit eh

Wow, I'm actually in agreement with the entire American League team....I'm shocked beyond belief. Can the fans keep it up with the NL? lets find out.....

Catcher: Mike Piazza New York - Man the NL is weak for catchers, I guess this pick is okay considering the competition.

First Base: Derek Lee Chicago - Beat Pujols by just over 100,000 votes, just like he should have. (I love Todd Helton, but he does not deserve to be 4th, what a disapointing first half)

Second Base: Jeff Kent Los Angeles - Really no other player that could've taken this spot.

Third Base: Scott Rolen St. Louis - Finally a pick I can bitch at! Rolen spent most of the first half on the DL (he doesn't even have 150 ABs yet). Morgen Ensberg has been on a tear with a team providing him no lineup protection, and not only did he not get the most votes, but he finished SIXTH!!! fuck you NL voting bastards! If Ensberg had been beaten out by Troy Glaus I could've let it go, but Glaus wasn't even runner-up. Damn and the fans were doing so well.

Shortstop: David Eckstein St. Louis - Another player benefits from a weak talent pool. Nice to see Clint Barmes finish 4th though.

Outfield: Jim Edmonds St. Louis, Bobby Abreu Philidelphia and Carlos Beltran New York - Oh my sweet ass, where do I even begin. Okay Abreu deserves to be there so at least the fans went 1/3. Jim Edmonds isn't even the best outfielder on his team this year and hes the top NL vote getter!! motherfuck! and don't even get me started on that traitor Beltran (speaking of not being the best outfielder on your own team!). I mean I've LOVED watching him struggle in New Yawk, but getting onto the all-star team?? ask the Mets fans what they think of that one. Meanwhile guys like Andrew Jones, Miguel Cabrera and Carlos Lee are gonna be on the bench. (Also worth noting is that no one from the Cardinals got less than 1.3 million votes....we get it ok, your team is good....THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM ALL ALL-STARS YOU STUPID BASTARDS!!!!!)

I don't think they've announced the starting pitchers yet, but if its not Halladay and Clemens I'm gonna be mad.

Oh and Roy Oswalt was left off the team.....no love for the 'Stros.
- posted by Mike @ 1:07 AM 2 comments

 
Links Master Mike
It was a windy day at Cresthaven G. C. this Canada Day, it was also the day I hit one of the greatest golf shots in recent history. 5th hole, chipping from off the left side of the green, lightly connect with the ball, it goes up, lands on the top of the green's hill rolls down towards the hole, kisses the flagpole....and drops. The crowd went insane...okay there was no crowd, but the guy at the next tee smiled in appriciation, and thats all I needed. And even though that was my 4th stroke on a 100 yard par 3 it didn't matter because for one hole I left the putter in the bag. Sexy. Unfortunatly the putter was furious with the rejection and made damn sure it was used multiple times on every green the rest of the day.

Reed Johnson hit the 3rd ever pinch-hit grand slam in Jays history in tonights game. The first ever was Jesse Barfield back in 1982, the second player to do it was Tony Fernandez.

The 6th season of Big Brother starts in a few days, am I going to be the only one watching it again?

If you found a giant leech in your backyard what would you do? At any point would the idea to put it in a box and feed it mice cross your mind? 'Cause thats what some family did, turns out it only likes earthworms though. Am I the only one that thinks it odd that mice were the first things these people thought to feed a leech? Aside from the fact that they actually thought to feed a leech.

How crazy woud the Raiders be if they had Randy Moss AND Terrel Owens?

Fans shouldn't be allowed to vote for all-star games because too many fans are idiots (I'll elaborate on this one once the baseball rosters are finalized....but guaranteed at least half of the starters will be undeserving).

Kenny Rogers gets a 20 game suspension for throwing a cameraman's camera to the ground....repeatedly. I think 20 games would be excessive if he wasn't a pitcher. Anyone know if they make suspensions longer for pitchers on acount of their playing every 5th game? If that had been Soriano would he have gotten 20 games too or just 4-5?

"This is not the greatest song in the world, no, this is just a tribute"
- posted by Mike @ 12:40 AM 0 comments

 
Happy Canada Day!

- posted by Mike @ 12:06 PM 1 comments